Late Night May 23rd

“Not all death kills the body, some death kills the heart. Some death kills the soul.”

Death.
“The action or fact of dying or being killed; the end of life.”
The Oxford Dictionary.

I thought I knew about death
Until yours rolled into my life.
Late night, May 23rd.
I died with you.
I mean,
I live and I breathe
But deep down, I died with you.
My art
My smile
My laughter and life
Died with you.

Dear Tuti,
Late night May 23rd is on my mind as I write this
As I
Tremble with the paper and ink beneath me
As I
Endure another wave of mini-panic attacks
As I
Walk the halls that you would have walked in
As I
Tell myself I am over it
As I
Fake a smile over it
As I
Pretend.
Pretend I am not dead inside.
As I
Pretend I am alive.
As I
Pretend.

Pretend all I want but truth is,
When I close my eyes
I see you.
I see the memories gone by
The face that made me smile
The eyes that recognized mine
I see you.
And they asked me why I loved to sleep
And if they knew me they would know it was because I loved to see you in my dreams.
Happy, healthy, uninjured, unbroken.
Truth is,
When I close my eyes
I see you.
I see you everywhere.
I see you where I shouldn’t and where I should.
I see you in the sun and in the moon.
I see you in the seasons that you should have seen.
I see you in the future that is my present.
I see you.
I see you staring at me as I write these words dedicated to you.
I see you.
I see you reflected in the broken mirror that depicts my life.

Life.
The thing that I crave for,
Not for me but for you
And I find myself praying again and again
Deep into the night
Screaming, sniffing, and muffling my cries into the pillow
Begging the God that we both believed in
To bring you back to life.
Life.
The thing that I pretend to have when really all I have is an illusion.
A placebo to mask the fact that,
A part of me was hit by that car,
A part of me fought for life.
A part of me drifted into the night with your soul.
Late night May 23rd.

Tracy Eric Writes… About Tuti

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